Dear Congress: Please Take my Husband Back

Dear Congress:

Re:  Please Take My Husband Back

On behalf of all the wives of federal workers, I wanted to thank you for sending my husband home to me. I’ve loved having him around. Really, it’s been great . . . but—would you please TAKE HIM BACK NOW?

Here’s why you gotta take him back:

1. His furlough beard is itchy when he kisses me.

2. His quiet creeping around the kitchen is making me nervous. His incessant opening of the fridge is making me nervous. I wish he would go and get groceries. “I can’t; the commissary’s closed, too.” Shit.

3. He has reorganized all the CDs and left a stack of at least 100 of them next to my laptop, and won’t leave my study until he downloads all of them to the cloud.

 4. He has thrown out at least 500 hangers, which was great, but he also threw out my children’s School Picture Forms, and I got a hysterical, slightly accusatory call from our fifth grader this morning. “Mom? Um. Where’s my picture order form?”

 5. He’s making me look really bad in front of the other soccer moms. My kids actually have their hair brushed when they show up at the bus stop in the morning; they’re not wearing flip-flops; and no one has worn sweats or frayed t-shirts all week.

6. Is it really necessary to store 50 bottles of water in the basement? Like really necessary? Just checking.

7. C-Span. Nuff said.

8. He keeps walking past the stack of bills on the counter, sighing so heavily, I can picture Al Gore during a presidential debate.

9. He’s caught enough fish to feed the family for the rest of the year, and there’s no more room in the freezer to store it, so now we’re eating it every night for dinner and have I mentioned I hate fish?

10. He’s redesigned the family escape plan at least ten times, and now he’s making us stop, drop, and roll several times a day.

11.  Every time I go to get my nails or my hair done, he gets this look on his face, like, “What the hell do you do with all your free time, anyway?”

12.  Fox News. CNN. And more bloody C-Span.1374806_626495280714167_505490152_n

13. No, we don’t need to build traps to catch all the squirrels in the back yard, and no, we really shouldn’t buy the boys BB Guns for target practice. No. No, no, no!

14. No, I’m not hungry for lunch right now.

15.  My daughter can now burp the entire alphabet.

16. My husband has spread enough insecticide to kill entire universes of ant colonies, and now I’m worrying about the neighbor’s dog.

17. Speaking of the neighbor’s dog, I found three bark arrestor collars on the side counter. We do NOT own a dog.

18. Last night, before I got into bed, my husband was holding his iPad watching baby videos. And when I started to undress, he said something about trying for a fourth. “Trying for a fourth what, exactly,” I almost screamed, before I cuddled up against his itchy furlough beard.

19.  C-Span. Again.

20.  He keeps editing my work. He is editing MY WORK.

 

Dear Congress, I’m hoping you can understand just how badly you need to take my husband, our husbands, back.  Before we deliver them to the hallowed grounds of the nation’s . . . oh whatever. Sorry. The phone’s ringing again. It’s a Republican politician calling for the fifth time this week. I gotta take this call.

 

Respectfully Yours,

 

A Soccer Mom in the Suburbs of Northern Virginia


10 comments on “Dear Congress: Please Take my Husband Back
  1. OneHotMess says:

    My son sent my new landlord a check a month ago to help. I had told her when the check would arrive. She called me way past my bedtime on the night I had moved in–over a week after the check should have arrived. She knew I was moving in. She said she still had no check and I must move out the next day. Ah!!! My son took over. He found that the check had been endorsed and cashed by her husband. I spoke to her Tuesday, almost three weeks since. She kept cutting me short then said, “Oh, I am going to look into that check thing this week. I told her that was a good thing as my son works for GSA in D.C. and he is furloughed and has nothing but ti_me on his hands. :-)

    • Running from Hell with El says:

      Oh my God, that’s horrible about your landlord Annie! I am so glad your son took care of things!! :)

  2. Elyse says:

    Yup, they can go back now.

  3. This was excellently done, far more ‘polically correct’ (ga, I couldn’t help myself with that one).

    Tell him to turn off Fox, CNN and C-Span. Turn on instead Bad Ink, Duck Dynasty or any one of a number of other thoughtless and mindless really funny ‘Reality’ shows. Personally? I actually do love Bad Ink.

    No more insecticide for the Ants. Grits work better. Down here in the Soutlands we have known this for years, Instant Grits are even better just go ahead and pour them all over the mounds and anywhere the ants get into your house.

    Did I mention I love this and oh, love the new site.

    • Running from Hell with El says:

      Grinning!!! Roger that on Fox, et al. I long ago threatened to break the fucking TV lol! OMG grits?!!! I had no idea!! Awwww thank you re the website! I’m psyched! :) Lots of love my friend!

  4. It seems to be a gender thing. My partner DROWNS insects in spray. Lots and lots of spray.
    And, he is now at home permanently. I may have to get a job. Or something.

    • Running from Hell with El says:

      LOL! I totally get it! And my man laughed in self-recognition about the insect massacres! I don’t know how we (or the insects) survive having our men home all the time! :)

  5. alandhopewell says:

    EL- as a man, I must speak up in defense….we need to be DOING something, especially when it comes to organizing, keeping order, or eradicating pests.

    Perhaps we should all march on Washington, and do what we do best, wot?

  6. Anonymous says:

    Oh come on, it is not</b< that bad!
    I didn't loose track of days until Friday! (or was it Thursday? wait—today is Sunday, right?)

    There’s much less laundry to do, since we’re wearing the same jammies all day for at least three straight days!

    We’re far more informed now. After watching 20 hours of C-Span today & 22 hours of The Weather Channel yesterday, I’m ready for McLaughlin!

    Two words: YouTube kittens (♥♥♥)

Please tell me how you feel!

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