Re: Please Take My Husband Back
On behalf of all the wives of federal workers, I wanted to thank you for sending my husband home to me. I’ve loved having him around. Really, it’s been great . . . but—would you please TAKE HIM BACK NOW?
Here’s why you gotta take him back:
1. His furlough beard is itchy when he kisses me.
2. His quiet creeping around the kitchen is making me nervous. His incessant opening of the fridge is making me nervous. I wish he would go and get groceries. “I can’t; the commissary’s closed, too.” Shit.
3. He has reorganized all the CDs and left a stack of at least 100 of them next to my laptop, and won’t leave my study until he downloads all of them to the cloud.
4. He has thrown out at least 500 hangers, which was great, but he also threw out my children’s School Picture Forms, and I got a hysterical, slightly accusatory call from our fifth grader this morning. “Mom? Um. Where’s my picture order form?”
5. He’s making me look really bad in front of the other soccer moms. My kids actually have their hair brushed when they show up at the bus stop in the morning; they’re not wearing flip-flops; and no one has worn sweats or frayed t-shirts all week.
6. Is it really necessary to store 50 bottles of water in the basement? Like really necessary? Just checking.
7. C-Span. Nuff said.
8. He keeps walking past the stack of bills on the counter, sighing so heavily, I can picture Al Gore during a presidential debate.
9. He’s caught enough fish to feed the family for the rest of the year, and there’s no more room in the freezer to store it, so now we’re eating it every night for dinner and have I mentioned I hate fish?
10. He’s redesigned the family escape plan at least ten times, and now he’s making us stop, drop, and roll several times a day.
11. Every time I go to get my nails or my hair done, he gets this look on his face, like, “What the hell do you do with all your free time, anyway?”
13. No, we don’t need to build traps to catch all the squirrels in the back yard, and no, we really shouldn’t buy the boys BB Guns for target practice. No. No, no, no!
14. No, I’m not hungry for lunch right now.
15. My daughter can now burp the entire alphabet.
16. My husband has spread enough insecticide to kill entire universes of ant colonies, and now I’m worrying about the neighbor’s dog.
17. Speaking of the neighbor’s dog, I found three bark arrestor collars on the side counter. We do NOT own a dog.
18. Last night, before I got into bed, my husband was holding his iPad watching baby videos. And when I started to undress, he said something about trying for a fourth. “Trying for a fourth what, exactly,” I almost screamed, before I cuddled up against his itchy furlough beard.
19. C-Span. Again.
20. He keeps editing my work. He is editing MY WORK.
Dear Congress, I’m hoping you can understand just how badly you need to take my husband, our husbands, back. Before we deliver them to the hallowed grounds of the nation’s . . . oh whatever. Sorry. The phone’s ringing again. It’s a Republican politician calling for the fifth time this week. I gotta take this call.
A Soccer Mom in the Suburbs of Northern Virginia