“Okay,” She said, her blue eyes offsetting her light hair, “What I want to do is try some distancing. I want to take you back there in that room, where you are . . .” she paused delicately, “In that situation. And remember last time where you flew above and fast-forwarded away, farther and farther?”
“Yep.”
“I want you to do that. Float away. And this time, tell me how you feel.”
She flipped the EMDR machine on and I gripped the black plastic in my right hand and the gray plastic in my left hand. The blue dots flashed from the middle, to the left, and all the way to the right again and I let my eyes focus in on them. I sat very still and just waited.
“What are you seeing?”
I closed my eyes and chuckled. This was going to probably make her laugh, because we’d just talked about how I will focus on general themes and concepts because I’m scared of feeling primitive emotions.
I’m scared it will make me go crazy. She promised me it won’t, but I’m scared anyway, but that’s not it this time. I’m not afraid.
“Well, leave it to me to get all metaphysical, but here’s the thing. I feel like I’m with Archangel Michael, you know, like in my novel. And we’re going toward God, and I gotta go there, and he’s going to . . . I’m going to have to tell Him everything. He’s going to see all my sins and my . . . “ I inhaled and tried to keep talking. “He’s going to be ashamed of me.”
She didn’t say anything and so I kept watching the blue light skipping from right to left and back again. And then I heard Him, I saw Him, I felt Him. “But that’s the thing. He’s not ashamed of me. He just said to me that ‘He’s got this.’ He told me to hand it all over to him. He told me to hand Him my pain and my shame and . . .” I grinned. A lightness infused me as I kept talking. “He’s seen it already. He’s seen everything. And He wants to take it from me.”
I was silent then. I sat and felt Him taking my shame away and once He did, I felt lightness in my being.
“Now what are you feeling?”
I smiled. “Peace. Peace. I feel peaceful. He’s got this, so I don’t need to carry it anymore.”
“That’s amazing.”
I nodded. “Mmm.”
She waited for the blue lights to stop in the middle, and she clicked the black machine off. “No really, that was amazing. Did you notice that once you left that room, you went, you floated, towards God?”
I grinned. “Yep. Pretty awesome, eh?”
Her eyes lit up. “I just gotta tell you what I was thinking—what my thought process was. When I took you away, and you were floating and said you felt ashamed, I thought, ‘Oh shit, that’s not where I wanted to take you with this, and I was about to intervene, to bring us back.’ You just never know where someone is going to go with this EMDR. But anyway, that’s the beauty of it. You went full circle. You then turned it around, and . . . it’s amazing the way the EMDR worked with your synapses.”
I smiled again at her. “Yep. He took it all away. Maybe it sounded weird—“
—“No! It’s perfect.”
“That’s where I ended up.”
She looked at me and I could tell she was thinking about therapeutic methods and EMDR and synapses and all things clinical. I genuflected mentally in the direction of those thoughts, her thoughts, and then smiled. There were other things on my mind.
“So how are you feeling now?”
“Bemused. He’s got this. I’m at peace now.”
She looked at the clock and back at me. “That’s a good place to stop.”
I nodded.
“Unless you want to keep going? I just don’t like being wedded to the clock. If that’s all for today—“
I glanced at the clock. It was a little bit past the 90-minute mark and really, I had nothing else I needed to say. “Yep. It’s a good place to stop.”
She sorted through her papers, scribbled the code down on the bill, and then handed the rectangular white paper to me. “We’re good next week?”
I stood up and took the paper from her. “Yep.”
“And you’ll take good care of yourself.” She stated it more than she asked me.
“I will. Thank you.”
Oh El, I am so very happy for you. He’s got this – what beautiful words. Thank you for sharing. (((((HUGS)))))
Awww thank you so much dear Trece!! Many hugs back atcha!!
~~~~~~~OOoooo, El,
This chick didn’t get it one bit, man.
…you know what I would have done when you shared this encounter w/ our GREAT GOD?
I would have stood up, NOOOO, Jumped up– and shouted “PRAaaaaaaaaISE JESUS!”
This is what I am doing right now in my living room.
btw, this is what I tell God now after Kay. “PLEASE take all of this. I can’t do it alone. TAKE IT Take it Take it!”
Love Love Love. Xxxxx kISss from MN.
I love it!!! Many hugs my friend!! And yes, amen. He takes it!! xoxo from VA
Those of us who have had that experience are rejoicing with you today. Mine was about five years ago, when I relinquished my pain, and freed myself from the past. I often think of that day as the day I was reborn.
I am so happy for you, and I’ll join The Chick giving praise!
Thank you so much, dear friend! This was what I needed to read right now, because an atheist friend went off on me. Which is fine, but it sure feels good to have company giving praise!
You know what I think, and I know how much you hate when I say that, but I have been praising Jesus for you all afternoon, and I pray that you will, as He asked, spend thirty minute tonight thanking Him. Oh, my, how long He has been waiting, and He is overwhelmed with Joy! Thanking Him needed be quiet and solemn. Have a danged hootenanny!! I love you!
Thank you so much, dear friend, for everything. Love you!
Fantastic El…………..he has always been there for you. He knew you would let him take your pain and burdens when you were ready.
Awwww thank you so much Deb. And I think you’re absolutely right!
It is not a solution which would work for my non-believing self, but I am beyond happy that it did for you. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Thank you so much, my friend, and it’s so good to see you! The neat thing about healing is we all have our own ways of going about it, you know?
This was beautiful. Thank you for letting us join you.
Thank you so, so much Christine. Thank you for being here!
I am going to be stupid, what is EMDR?
I am glad you reached this place, you need this peace and reading this soothed me and made me grin.
Morning Val! That is not a stupid question! http://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr.html>
Thank you so much re reaching this place–grinning back atcha!xo
El, this was beautiful. Simply beautiful, but oh, so much more. You shared not only an experience, but a part of you; a very intimate part of you. But then, you do that so well. You open your heart, a heart that you have refused to allow to shrivel despite the pain, and you share. And today, it blossomed anew.
I’ve been working on releasing my own shame, for oh, only about 45+ years, and though I’ve had similar moments (to the one you had) in my life, I often forget that God’s got this, my shame, my guilt, my pain, without reservations or conditions. You reminded me of that today. Thank you.
And now, I’ll share with you something my girlfriend used to have posted on her refrigerator: “If you saw you the way God sees you, you’d smile a lot.” I have not a doubt in the world that YOU make God smile. A lot.
xoxo
Morning Mary!
I have more to the story to share, but I wanted to keep it a reasonable length and save the rest for I Run. You know, it means so much to hear that you’re working on releasing that shame too. It’s such a pervasive, prevalent burden. I really hope for you, for me, for all women, that we can hand it over to Him.
Awwwwww thank you! That made me smile. Much love to you!! ~el
I soooooooo needed this! Been debating about going ahead and doing EMDR for a bit now. I feel like I did everything else I can but I need something else to pull me through to the next level of functionality and I believe EMDR will do that for me. So thanks for sharing your experience with it so that I can get moving and have my own. Don’t know where it’ll take me…but I’m ready for whatever it may be.
Awww I am so glad it helped you! Yes, my gosh, I contemplated EMDR for a long time before I went ahead with it (actually, my beloved therapist retired, and she sent me along to her favorite therapist, who also specialized in trauma). All I can say is that it really, really is working for me. It’s giving me that last thing, the last tool I needed in my arsenal, to heal. Smiling at you.
El, what an absolutely magnificent post!!! This fed deep inside as you know. It hit the very core of what we feel on this. Fabulous and thank you, gotta share!!!
Thank you so much Trish!! xo
This is a tremendous post. I love it. And am so grateful you shared it. I want to give God my shame too. I can’t take it anymore.
Thank you so much Christie! It’s good to see you! And He’s ready for it. Really, He is. xoxo
touching post! left me feeling positive and light too
Thank you
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