I’m thinking too much, too fast, too much, too fast. Damnit. What if it’s a really really bad idea to self-publish Ripple? Should I have kissed many more asses? Why didn’t I kiss more asses? Who do I ask to do my advance reviews? Is it any good? I know it’s good. But there are millions of would-be writers out there. Am I just like the rest of them? Am I really a loser? A wanna-be, would be, could be but can never will never be?
Should I go back and try to be nice to the people I’ve been ignoring? What about all of the pages that I’ve not been talking to because I’m talking to other pages and writers? Should I be trying harder? Should I be on my knees groveling, or at least gladhanding? I have stopped interacting with so many pages and blogs and it’s all a kaleidoscopic mishmash of should-dos and can’t and won’ts and I have no fucking clue how to sort it all out. Why do I have to be the one to handle this?
The real question is why do I need to be the adult here? I don’t feel like an adult. I don’t feel like I’m in control. Not I. Or not me, depending on how the rest of the sentence goes . . . no. Not I. Funny. I never really studied grammar that much or even wanted to learn it. I was above the rules but the real truth is that I always sensed, nay feared, that the rules were above me.
There. That’s the truth. Icky ugly truth. I play this whole act, this “Your rules not mine” rebel act long and hard but you know what I’m hiding? This deep fear that if I play by the same rules, throw the football on the same exact field with the precise dimensions and markings that all other writers obey, everyone will find out (who is everyone) that my writing just isn’t good enough.
Yep.
That’s my icky ugly inner fear. It’s fucking debilitating. Should I stop cussing? Just an aside, but is it? Last night I made this poster, and I consciously went with the word “ass” as in “work your ass off,” because it was authentic. But I also know that a lot of my inspirational friends won’t share anything that has a cuss word in it, and while 10,820 fans is plenty, every new fan equals a potential reader. Then again, my freakin’ name has a curse word in it, so does that make me ineligible for being shared by the goody two-shoes of pages?
Not that there’s anything wrong with goody-goodies. Oh my gosh. Part of me wants to be a good girl and part of me wants to be a badass and those two sides of me will forever lay siege to one another! Right?
And should I put one space or two after a period? Am I the only old-school holdover who still goes with two spaces? I like two spaces, not one, but I don’t wanna stand out, stick out, or run alone.
Or do I?
As far as the cussing thing, my characters cuss, and so do I but I’m also a born-again Christian and I need those fans—the moral majority (giggle) too. I need as many fans and readers as I can get because hell, I’m trying to sell books, right? But what’s the point of selling anything if I have to change who I am to make a sale? How boring, stupid, phony, cruddy, pointless . . . is it to change who you are just to make a few extra bucks?
Speaking of a few bucks, what the hell am I doing self-publishing Ripple? Seriously, what the hell am I doing? Did I decide to ignore the traditional publishing houses for a reason other than I’ve been telling everyone? Was it simply because I was scared Ripple wasn’t good enough? Did I think that the rejection of everything that I am and want to be would be so awfully soul-crushing that I couldn’t chance it? God help me if I have to face the exact same pain that every other writer faces.
Yep. Maybe it always comes back to God. And needing His help. I’m scared, and I’m about to jump off a big limb that’s hanging over a muddy bank and into these swirling waters, and as much as I love crazy adventures and especially swirling waters, I’m so afraid that I’ll smash into unseen rocks and end up all bloodied and concussed and broken-hearted.
This is one of those times I wish I could call my mom. But I can’t and I won’t but I will . . .
jump anyway.
I feel you, my friend. While I don’t have the pleasure of saying I’ve written a novel and have thousands of people waiting to read it, I did go the self-publishing route myself simply because a) I have no idea how to get a real publisher b) I have no idea how to get a real publisher and c) I have…well, no idea if a real publisher would have taken a chance. I hate self-promotion, but knowing all the profits were donated made it easier for me. However, when toying around with the idea of a second one, I’ve dismissed it for all those same reasons.
You, on the other hand, have a real grasp on what you’re doing and an immense amount of social networking support that I’m sure will make self-publishing all worth it. Plus, you have complete control of your story. That can’t be underestimated
Oh, dear Abby–thank you so many times over for your kind note. I’ve been loving your book by the way! I read it one essay or post at a time and you always make me smile (or laugh outright). Oh gosh hell yes–as far as having control of my story. That’s so freakin’ important to me, especially since my style can be edgy (except when I get insecure). Ha! I am so neurotic! Thank you for being a comfort to me today.
I’ve been following your page and blog for quite a while, although it has taken me a long time to have the guts to comment. You have a good head on your shoulders. I believe in you. If self-publishing is where you’ve been led, trust God if you feel that you can’t really trust yourself. I’m excited about Ripple!
My characters cuss, too, and I, too, am a believer. I write suspense fiction and really, the cussing makes it gritty and believable. I don’t use it to excess, but I insert expletives just as I use and hear them in real life. I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff like that — it’s a part of life. I think a G-rated book comes across a bit too Pollyanna-ish for my liking and it certainly isn’t believable.
Take a deep breath and relax and enjoy this time — you have worked SO hard for it. You’ve earned this! I’m proud of you!!
I’m so glad that you have been commenting–so grateful to be getting to know you! Ripple is actually about a women who, after finding that her husband was sexually abusing her daughter, kills him and runs off with the daughter to a safe house for abused women–and it’s about the ripple effect of other women helping her (and her daughter). I feel driven to tell this story for reasons I’m very certain you can understand.
Ah–you write suspense fiction as well?! You’re such a good writer–I’d love to read your stuff! Have you published yet? (Yes I will swing by your blog and see).
And I agree that grit and real dialogue make a much better story.
And thank you for being proud of me! That makes me smile!
I relate to the premise of Ripple, I think that’s why I’m so excited for its release.
I have not published yet. When the news of our abuse went international I was approached to write a book, but I declined. It was disgusting — the feeding frenzy from our torture and misery. I may someday write my memoirs, but since my children were also involved, and their stories are not mine to tell, it’s a bit tricky to write just my story. For now, blogging and working on my book are enough.
My hubster and I have been discussing how to go about the publishing process, so I am thankful that you are sharing your path as you travel it — you help all of us out here who have stories to tell.
I hope that Ripple attains the same success you have achieved in your personal life. I read every excerpt you post and I am fascinated to read it cover to cover.
Many blessings, friend!
Grinning, my friend, with gratitude. I’m on CreateSpace figuring it all out (great site, in my opinion). Would you like an advance reviewer copy? I’d be ever so grateful for your help.
El, I don’t see how you can fail with over 10,000 fans. What I’d give to have even half, even a quarter of that by the time I get my book done! Just let everyone know it’s ready and let them decide if they want to buy. If it doesn’t work, you can always try the old route ie. publisher. And by the way, want someone to review it? I’d love to! Done lots of reviews for publications over the years. Of course, it you want a well-known name, maybe I don’t rate but I’ve done reviews for others e..g Patricia A. McKnight (MY JUSTICE) that she loved and was proud to share with her thousands of followers. Am working on another one now for Chris Stewart in England (A BIRD IN A CAGE AND A TIN OF PAINT). So if you’d like me to read it, I’d love to.
To your continued success …!
Awww thank you so much my friend!! And yes yes yes please–I’d love to have you read it–as soon as I have got the advance review copies read to go, I will get with you and send you a copy. From what I’ve read, getting reviews on Amazon and Goodreads, and elsewhere, is really important and thus I am so very grateful for your kind offer!!
Thanks El. That’s awesome. Look forward to reading it. Are you doing an eBook version too? If so, you can just send me the ebook link to read on my iPad. Your call. Goodreads eh? Must look at that site. Heard of it but don’t know it. As for “createspace” through Amazon, haven’t seen that either. I have a very good writer friend in Australia who has been a published author for years. She doesn’t like or use Amazon at all. Says you get so little from your sales. She loves Smashwords. I’ll be looking into several options when the time comes. And you’ll get a review copy of mine too if you want one. <3
By the way El, just curious. Who are you self-publishing through? I will be facing this same decision when my story, COMING OUT FROM UNDER is finally done. Would love to know if you don’t mind sharing.
I’m using CreateSpace through Amazon–very easy to use and high quality!
What is your e-mail address my friend?
El, can you message me via Facebook for that? I think we’re friends there but just in case, search “viga boland” or message me via my OUT FROM UNDER page.
I am a Christian, but I also cuss. A lot. I picked it up from my father and uncles when I was so young that I didn’t know what the words meant–only that I got attention for saying them. I’ve cussed for so long that I no longer hear myself doing it. And my characters cuss, too.
Now is an exciting time for authors. We are in control. But, with that control comes a lot of responsibility. Responsibility is scary.
We can’t blame bad editing or a crummy cover on our publisher. Nor can we say our publisher dropped the ball on marketing — though from what I’ve understood, most debut authors are responsible for their own marketing whether they indie publish or traditionally publish. If we self-publish, we can’t blame anybody but ourselves for whatever goes wrong.
But…I sort of think it is harder than ever to get into traditional publishing. Two agented writer friends have decided (at the suggestion of their agents) to self-publish. I sort of wonder if you would spend a year trying to find an agent, then spend another year or two waiting while the agent tried to sell your book, and then finally have the agent tell you that you ought to self publish. When you could have gone ahead and self published to begin with. Is your head spinning yet? LOL
Anyway, I say go for it. I am. Why the hell not?
This is such an amazing comment, Catie. It’s one of those I’m rereading so that I can digest it all. You know, I pretty much love that we’re in control . . . but I also admit to feeling a little scared (okay, a lot) by the responsibility of it. I’m incredibly excited by the adventure of it because hell, I love adventures, new enterprises and big challenges.
And yes, I hear you re traditional publishing. I’ve heard many of the same stories, and I don’t want to waste a year or more trying to break into the industry when the gatekeepers seem either asleep or completely out of their minds. When I look at what’s being offered by the traditional publishing houses, I often scoff in frustrated dismay. “They’re selling *this*?”
And yes–my head is spinning a bit, but I’m game! We’re going to rock this!
When are you coming out with your book?
My book will be out in late February or early March of 2013. I am working through it right now with a developmental editor. (I have learned so much from her.) This book, titled Forever Road, will be the first in a paranormal mystery series starring a woman who can see dead people. I am going to follow it with a novella, using a subplot my editor convinced me to cut.
We *are* going to rock this. You have made plenty of friends who are going to help you market. There is a steep learning curve to indie publishing, but it is not insurmountable.
Remember what William B. Travis wrote before the Alamo was overrun: I will never surrender nor retreat.
I love this. So honest and so real. But I really had to comment for just one reason. I REFUSE to let go of the second space after the period. I REFUSE.
Grinning, Carinn!! Thank you both for liking this and for backing me up on the two spaces after the period!! We must stand together!
I only let go of the space on twitter. Otherwise, I still use two spaces too. And I like realistic dialogue. Most people at the very least curse when stubbing their toe.
Oddly enough, I don’t always like the use of cursing, but sometimes nothing else says, “Dammit this is frustrating,” quite like it.
when the book out and where can I buy a copy.
Thank you for asking, Phil! I am aiming for January and as soon as it’s available, I’ll post information here!
Jump rope. Jump cliff. Just jump.
LOL. Cliffjumping!!!!
You could totally rock that cliff jump nude. Just sayin. If something is worth doing, it’s worth going ALL IN for. Or ALL OFF.
Word!!! LOL!
Just go for it! Writers need to have thick skins.
Thank you Teresa! I don’t know about thick skins, but I sure do have lots of bandaids!!
I love and agree with Catie said about agented writers who were talented enough to attract an agent – and are still being told BY their agents to self-pub.
I just self-pubbed myself, and have zero regrets. I don’t have anywhere near the fan base you do, and I’m happy with how it is going. I’m sure you’ll do great.
Thank you so much, Amber! I just bought a copy of The Ruth Valley Missing and as soon as I read it, I’ll make sure I get a review posted on Amazon. Given how talented you are, I’m sure it’s going to be great!
Aw! You are too sweet! I hope you enjoy it! (yes, I am a little exclamation happy today)
Oh darling friend! I giggled so much through this post – I can so relate to your angst. I want to just give you a big hug. You be YOU, cuss words and all – because God loves you for exactly who you are, and so do I. Inhale, exhale, repeat. xoxo
I’ll take that big hug my friend!! And I’m working on that breathing thing!! LOL!! xoxo
El, I am sorry I know this wasn’t intended to induce giggles but it did. Who said you had to be entirely grown up? This is an exciting time, bound to cause some anxiety but also some absolute toes hanging over the side of the bridge looking over the side vertigo. That giddy feeling in the summer, just before you make that first swing out over the river.
I have done the layouts for two of another friends books, she is so calm on the outside but bounces off walls as she gets closer (don’t tell her I notice).
This is your baby. You have poured your heart into it, breathed life into each page, each character. Of course you feel the way you do. Remember though, you have us. We are all breathing with you. We are all waiting to snatch up copies and read! We will, most of us write you reviews in Amazon and Good Reads. We will if you want put your book on our pages, link to it on our blogs. We will help, you don’t even need to ask.
We love you and we are cheering for you as you Jump.
Who cares if you are fully adult. Have fun.
Who cares if you cuss, so do most of us.
We love you, in part because we relate to you we see ourselves.
Actually I did click the “humor” category because let’s face it, I’m funny as hell, in a dark, very strange, deeply neurotic sort of way! And oh my golly gosh, no way, an adult I am not! Ha! How did I ever make it to this age?!! Can I really be 41?!! What happened Val?! Last time I looked, I was this wee little creature with a bad haircut. Now I just have no haircut and too much hair.
I loved how you described that feeling–before you make your first swing over the river.
It helps me so, so much to know you’re there. It really does. You’ll be one of my advance readers right? And yes yes yes please to all offers to help–I’d be so very grateful!!
Thank you for holding my hand as I peer over the edge. I love you!
Of course I will be one of your advance readers! Bring it on, a cuppa and a book what the hell could be better.
I am not even close to the stage where I could contemplate self-publishing, so I won’t comment on that. Your piece, however, was very straight-from-the-heart! And sometimes, a sentiment cannot be better conveyed without a cuss word! Totally with you on that!
Aw thank you so much my friend! And for sure, many sayings just aren’t the same without the cuss word! As in “work my butt off” just lacks pop!
It’s a brave thing, putting your stuff out there. I bow down to you and anyone else who has the guts. It must be scary, but then, what’s the alternative? that you never do it or take that chance? You know you couldn’t let fear overtake your need to get your words out there. Because you are a writer. It’s a blessing and a curse and in my opinion, mostly a curse. ha!
Amen to that–hell no, I don’t accept the other alternative!! LOL re blessing and a curse! I am writing something in my journal and it sounds banal and hell yes it’s a curse!! Thank you my friend!
I only let go of the space on twitter. Otherwise, I still use two spaces too. And I like realistic dialogue. Most people at the very least curse when stubbing their toe.
Oddly enough, I don’t always like the use of cursing, but sometimes nothing else says, “Dammit this is frustrating,” quite like it.
Oh yes–amen to not letting go of the space!! And yeah, we need every space we can get on Twitter! 140 is barely enough to write good morning afternoon and evening! Thank you so much for visiting me!
“Should I have kissed many more asses?” Sometimes you make me howl with the raw truth you print. Don’t we all sometimes feel like this. Damn, if I just hadn’t been so proud, kissed a few more asses, things could have worked out better! Thanks for keeping it real!
Grinning! That was one of the lines I almost cut because it’s raw–so glad you liked it! Damn ass-kissers!!!
Take away the specifics and I relate so much what you’ve shared… it’s kinda freaky.
AND like someone else said I giggled a time or two (maybe more); gotta find the humor! Girl… this right here: “That’s my icky ugly inner fear. It’s fucking debilitating.” Ah. Sigh. I conur! Thank you for opening up and sharing.
I personally think that you are incredibly talented.
Thank you thank you thank you my friend!! As far as the fear, I am finding that admitting to it makes it not quite as debilitating– you know? Thank YOU for listening!
It’s crazy how fast the mind can spin out of control … I know I do it all the time! ) And, it doesn’t seem to get any less riddled with age, although it does feel less important than say, when I was in my early twenties, and I imagine my forties will also be different. The point is, what ever you do, no matter the road chosen, and however it lands it will still be yours, and that is priceless. And as for cussing, fuck who else is going to do it, if not us ;
LOL my friend!! And yes, yes for sure–it is so much easier now than it was in my twenties–as is almost everything (except if it involves athletics in anyway!!)!! Thank you so much for stopping by!!
El – wonderful, authentic writing as usual. Keep following your path and jumping to new adventures. It’s the adrenaline in doing so that causes our wings to sprout! (And I still double space after periods, too – just sayin’)
xoxo cecilia
Hello Cecilia!! Thank you so much for your kind remarks above, and thank you many times over for following me here!! xoxo
I must say, I love love love you…
and I don’t even know you!
Is that WEIRD?
I have a question for you: HOW THE HELLLLLLLLlllll did you get 10, 000 fans? Damn you. I alread know the answer.
Because you freaking rockkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk the words.
Sincerely,
Another Christian woman who appreciates REAL Raw Interesting fabulous crazy people like you. xx
PS. no need to KISS asses. You are too good for that.
And I love you, as I have ever since I started reading you!!! And no, it’s not weird at all. Some friends grow on me but most make sense to me on some deep level right from the getgo, especially fellow writer-artists!
As far as my fans on Facebook . . . I worked my ass off is the real answer. I network and spend tons of time on my social media presence, and I’ve followed one rule 95% of the time (hey, no one is real all the time): be real, raw and authentic . . . and I try to be kind to other people as well. I started my social media presence up at the same time I started Ripple, and I’ve viewed it as a full-time business–but as a labor of love as well.
And you rock too!!!!
Let’s here it for raw, crazy fab women!!! xoxo
You can call me. But you don’t need validation. Follow your instincts and then stand by your decisions. As I tell my son, there are no mistakes. Only learning opportunities.
Thank you so much dear friend! Love the concept of there only being learning opportunities!
Finally had a moment to read this post and it made me smile, neuroses and all
. I don’t know one person (or crazy writer) who doesn’t wish they could retract once they hit publish–in whatever form they hit publish. It’s, as I have come to accept, one of the perks of writing. I can’t wait to read Ripple. And, I am energiized by your energy.
As for the guilt about not kissing enough asses or connecting with enough pages just remember you and your book will transcend that lovely and supportive community you have built. It’s ok to let go a little so you have a hand to reach out to what comes next.
Thank you so much Kelly. I’m grinning about the “oh no second” that you were describing above! And as far as ass-kissing–I never kissed enough. Giggle.
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Good on you big time El! Wonderful focus, energy – you’re so positive & forward moving it’s GREAT
Loved your ‘should I have kissed more asses’… You never can tell whether it’s enough!
LOL. Thank you thank you so much!!
I needed to read the important life quote in the red box. Yes, “Do what you love, love what you do,” and although I’m half baked to it, work my ass off. If I can work less though and have more fun times….even better!
Aww thank you so much, my friend. I need to reread those particular words every day, I think!
El, if it makes you feel better lots of great books aren’t being published by traditional publishers because of the state of the industry. I spent a year shopping mine around. Got lots of feedback but no bites. As long as you took the time to revise and had some beta readers, self-publishing is a good option. From what you’ve said here, it’s clear you care about the quality of your reader’s experience and the authenticity of your voice. That’s so important. And thanks for sharing how scary it is to self publish. I feel you there.
That does make me feel better Kourtney. And so does good old fashioned hard work. I’ve been working my ass off the last couple of weeks, and I’ve paid good sums for a book cover design, developmental editing and copy editing. And I’ve had several betas. And have revised it several times. A week ago, I cut 5,000 words and I sobbed (I was overtired). In advance of release, I’ve sent Ripple out to a bunch of advance reviewers, which is an investment well worth making, I hope. I feel humble but confident; scared but hopeful. You know? Thank you so much, my friend!
Reblogged this on inspirasilawakfm.
El: I hope that you read Kristen Lamb’s blog today. It would really ease your mind about going the self-pubbing route. I think that self-publishing is the future. And you already have a jump on it with your FB presence and understanding of social media. RIPPLE is fantastic, and you know it. Soon the world will too.
After the latest round of edits (yup, that made me sob and gnash my teeth as I cut another 5,000 words from the start) and feedback from “El’s Army” of advance readers, I’m feeling pretty confident and increasingly competent at this whole thing. What people are saying now is that they can’t put it down, and that lets me know that I finally got the beginning to go at the same pace as the ending, if that makes sense. I agree, 100% that the future is in self-publishing. I hope you’re well and enjoying the holidays!
I am. I’m so proud of you for figuring all of this out. So sorry to hear about the cover, but I’m glad you caught it! I just know this thing is going to be epic!
Thank you! So glad you’re well! You know who caught it? Lisha! As far as epic . . . right now I’m researching what genre to go for. “Thrillers” are overpopulated, but there are hardly any “legal dramas.” It’s best to choose a smaller genre so that you can be closer to the top of it.
Did you know that Amazon/CreateSpace is running a contest for first time novelists? 50K first prize. I figure what the hell–contest entry date is almost the same date as Ripple releases.
I would like to send you a copy–was wanting to wait for the new cover so it looks pretty and I’ve got the formatting solid. It’s okay right now but there are many small issues waiting to be fixed.
I think that is a great idea! And of course Lish, would have it! Indie publishing is about to be HUGE. People have alweays selected their books by word-of-mouth endorsements of friends. And you have tons of those on FB and in real life. I DID read about the Create Space contest! I’m thrilled you are entering, El. The timing is just right for you to win the gold. Then you can be on Diane Reem and everything!
I would love a SIGNED copy when it is all done. Is it going to be as big as a phonebook?! *smirk*
LOL re phonebook! I’ve cut 9,000 words from the first half, so it’s only about 123K now (added words to the second half). Right now it’s 420 pages but that will go down once I shrink the fonts.
Amen to word-of-mouth endorsements. I’ve given away a crazy amount of free copies, so I hope this works!
As soon as I get a PROOF copy with the cover and the latest round of edits, I’ll happily sign one and send it over to you! God knows it wouldn’t be anything like it is without your help!