I made it to the lake for a ten-miler at 6 p.m., and a mile or two into the run, dark storm clouds raced like black war horses from the western side of the water. The wind picked up and as I ran, with steady gait and an aching ankle along the dirt path, I heard a single clap of thunder and I shivered. The path wove through a thick forest, the trees rustled, and the opening between the tall trees whipped the whistling, howling wind into a frenzy of volume. I tried to calm my racing heart.
I needed this run for peace of mind, and yet the tumultuous gray clouds and thunderclaps manifested the inward conflict that raged inside me. I could not get away from torment and angst. But I gritted my teeth and continued running, and I tried to smile as I whispered, “Losers don’t run ten miles in the rain.”
As I ran, I reflected on the friend I had just lost and tried to sort through how I felt about her. Of all the friends I have ever had, she was the one who most resembled the storm clouds racing over the lake: exciting, dramatic and full of risk. When she called or wrote me, I held my breath, unsure, a little frightened, but always hopeful that after the storm, the sun would shine its brilliant rays. I love thunderstorms most of the time, just as I loved this friend . . . until I got fried one too many times.
Yet again, things turned dark between us. What started as a disagreement fast led into name-calling and moved quickly into a profanity-laced tirade in which she called me “a fucking fool” with a mental disorder. This wasn’t the first time we’ve argued, but as I tossed and turned that night, I realized that lightning does strike in the same place twice. And it was my responsibility to avoid the path of the storm she raged and wrought upon me.
Darkness falling over the lake.
Don’t get me wrong. I bear plenty of blame for what went wrong in this friendship. I have done plenty of stupid things with this person and I have a lot of regrets. I wish I could go back and undo some of my mistakes. I said too much; I was too vulnerable; and at times, I acted too needy. So be it. The very nature of friendship is this process of opening ourselves up to getting hurt and allowing ourselves to need and to care a little too much. But as much as I am sorry for what I did wrong, I am more sorry that I kept trying to maintain a friendship with someone who made me feel cruddy too much of the time.
One of my dear friends, Renée Jacobson (who happens to be my writing partner) recently wrote a blog about toxic friends. We all have had friends who bring us down or make us feel worse, rather than better, inside. I reckon that perhaps I was as toxic for this friend as she was for me. Maybe we triggered each other. Maybe I brought the worst out in her. That’s why I couldn’t sleep: I worried that I failed at friendship and that I had earned her contempt and hatred.
And yet I fought against these feelings of self-defeat. The words she used against me felt so familiar, so right, and yet so wrong, and I knew why. This is how my parents talked to me. And no matter what I did to bring on their wraith, I did not deserve to be called epithets like “a goddamn slut” or “fat failure” or “little piece of shit loser.” No one deserves that. Maybe I sought her out because she felt familiar, like a dirty old blanket that a child wraps around herself because it smells like home. All I know, and I don’t know much, is that it is time to bury this blanket and run free of what it represents.
That next day, while I was running, and for a moment, I thought about turning back. But there was something about the rain beating down on me, and persevering through the elements that brought me back to my better angels. The rain struck a chord deep inside me and after a while, it washed away her words. And as my tears fell, I ran onward, strong and proud. I let go of the thunder and the storm and the final sentences she had written to me, and I let her go.
Water washing over the land.
Have you ever had a friendship go wrong? Where were you when you realized it and how did you let that friendship go?
Thanks for the mention. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. Sometimes we cling to the wrong things. We don’t realize the buoy we are clinging to is really an anchor, designed to pull us down. It is so hard to sever longtime relationships. I had one where the person just made me feel awful for years. She was so weirdly competitive. Finally, I let her go. You know, when I turned 40. Hopefully things will calm down for you now.
You bet my friend. And thank you so much. I thought about this some more when I ran and about clinging to the wrong things and I agree: it was an anchor, not a buoy, that I held onto. It is hard, but the reason it is hard is that I am afraid. And then I ask, what am I afraid of? And I realize that it is a ghost that hovers over me, a ghost of someone else’s rage . . . that cannot touch me, because I am safe and secure and free.
Keep running, darling. {They can’t catch you when you run.} Then again, don’t forget to find a safe place to rest. Resting is important, too.
Friendship, family, marriage…yes! Toxic…yes! Toxic or not, it’s still a loss when you realize you have to let go, and acknowledging the loss is important. Personally, I have found that it’s been easier letting go of the toxic relationships as I’ve surrounded myself with the healthy ones. I just don’t get invested in people unless they lift me up. That’s how I treat people, so I finally learned that I deserve the same treatment. That doesn’t mean that I’m rude to toxic people, I’m not. I just don’t go out of my way to engage them. As I have realized that I deserve much better, I have received much better. Funny how that works. You deserve that too! You deserve people who appreciate you for who you are, who support you, who love you, and who don’t trigger those hurt places. Hang in there!!
Thank you so much Carrie, and so well-said. It is important to acknowledge the loss for in acknowledging our sadness, it allows us to grieve and then move free of the emotions that bind us to our past. And I agree so very much: “Personally, I have found that it’s been easier letting go of the toxic relationships as I’ve surrounded myself with the healthy ones.” I am very fortunate to have built up a web of good friendships with people who make me a happier and healthier woman. I used to fear being alone and thus cling to people who hurt me but now, I see how much more at peace I am with the friends who treat me well. Yep, never rude or mean–me either. xoxo.
El…you wrote a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for sharing. I know this feeling and have had to end unhealthy relationships with “friends” in the past too. A friend should be a mirror for you for when you are down and lost and really need them. If not then they really aren’t there to help build you up and support you. You made a tough decision, but I am proud of you for it. Ella xoxo
And thank you so very much Ella for your comments and your incredible support. I am so grateful to count you as a friend. Rebel Thrivers is like a safe haven. And gosh, yes, a friend should be like a mirror, there to build us up and make us stronger. Yep! Thank you for being proud of me. xoxo.
El xoxoxo
I have been there, too. Sadly, I didn’t have the wisdom you do, and so was unable to wash their words away. Intelletually, I see clearly how what they said was wrong, but the feelings. . .
You are such a strong, brave person, El. I’d like to be like you when I grow up (((((HUGS))))). Trece
Aw Trece–thank you sweetie! And in the case here, the parting of ways is pretty mutual–I think both of us recognized that the friendship had become too stormy. Ugh! Big hugs to you Trece!! xoxo.
What a great post, El. I am sorry you went through this, but thank you for sharing the journey. Your story was so strong and proud. I know that taking this former friend out of your life will open new doors and maybe even new ways of thinking. Sometimes I wonder whether we hang onto toxic friendships because of our own low self-esteem. Even though they make us unhappy, we mistakenly feel we somehow deserve it. Shedding the friend may also help us shed our feelings of low self-worth. xo
Twisting Kaleidoscope: thank you so much my friend! And yes! I definitely think that at least in my own case, I held onto that friendship out of low self-esteem. I so much wanted to prove that I was worthy of being her friend, even as she consistently made me feel unworthy or let me know she wasn’t sure if she liked me. I should have walked away a long time ago, but just lately, I have become so much more confident in myself and realized that I deserved to be treated with love and respect. xoxo.
What a cold and powerful beginning. I’m shivering — in part because of the own rain pounding my windows, but also because of your words. This post read so quickly for me, as if I was running beside you. And this line, “The very nature of friendship is this process of opening ourselves up to getting hurt and allowing ourselves to need and to care a little too much” is the one I agree with most. It certainly sounds like you ran through the pain and kept right on your own path, just as drenchingly painful as it was. I wish you happiness as you run on.
Thank you so very much happykidshappymom! OMG, it is still pouring tonight–it’s raining sideways here too. And thank you so very much re the nature of friendship. Looking back and looking into the future, I will not stop making myself vulnerable in friendship but I will be careful that I choose friends who make me feel good, lift me up, and make me feel loved and safe. And I wish you happiness as well!!
This post made me want to jog and let go of bad friendships. I’d say your writing is pretty effective, miss
. I am just now starting to get the idea of “If you are getting your butt kicked over and over again, eventually you best move”. This year for me has been a lot of learning, a lot of realizing that although I want to put effort and more effort into my friendships, sometimes I can’t make the other person care or try as much. I’m glad you made a brave choice and got out of a stormy relationship!
Aw thank you Tori! And this is a hard, hard lesson for me to learn too (grinning). It seems life will keep tossing it at me until I can become a better listener! LOL.
This is beautiful – and you’re so right, running 10 miles in the rain certainly doesn’t make you a loser (I went on a power walk in the rain yesterday, and it was great!)! I’m glad you’ve distanced yourself from this toxic friend. A couple of years ago I did the same, although this person was less toxic and more self-centered. She ultimately has a good heart, but you couldn’t get a word in edgewise, and we didn’t have much in common besides common friends. No blow-out fights, so I’m lucky in that way – I was able to let things just kind of fizzle out.
Jules!! Thank you so much my friend! You know, running heals me in so many ways. After I ran my first marathon, I blubbered at the finish line to the effect of: “They can’t take this away from me.” But it’s true. And good on you for your power walk in the rain. Running and walking in it is one of my favorite things to do. Gah–I hate blowup fights. I am a classic avoider, a big fan of fizzling out instead of duking it out! I am sorry about your toxic pal but happy that you walked away from the gabby galpal. xo.
You amaze. You inspire. You heal.
Your words are my therapy.
Grateful for you and your willingness to share your soul. XO
http://www.handsfreemama.com
And I am oh so grateful for your words, which blow over me like a gentle summer breeze. xoxo.
Congratulations El. Letting that toxicity go is so vital to being healthy. Ive had lots of casualties along the way but that’s all part of getting healthy. You are skyrocketing!!!!
Katy!! Thank you so much dear friend!! That phrase “you’re skyrocketing” made me feel all fuzzy and warm! xoxo.
Sometimes friends are there for us for a lifetime. Sometimes they are only with us for a season. Sounds like you recognized the time to know the difference and I applaud you for doing the difficult cut.
Writingfeemail: oh, so well said! While I am grateful for all the friendships I’ve had, I sure do prefer the ones which last a lifetime and offer unconditional love and support. Failing that, it sure is a relief to walk away. Thank you so much for stopping by and for your kind comment!
Beautiful–not the harsh words you’ve been called, but your ability to let go. It’s that final piece that missing for so many people. I think many of us can recognize an unhealthy relationship. Moving on is the truly hard work.
Thank you Nina. And no, it was not easy to let go, right up until the point where I realized I deserved to be treated with as much respect as I treat others. I am still sad this week, but also relieved . . . I don’t startle every time I check my inbox, afraid to read something unkind.
I’ve written several posts on Nina’s blog. Even though my former friend did not talk to me the way your former friend did, the hurt & neglect of her eventually eroded what was left of our friendship. Even talking to her did not change things much long-term. As long as she remains with a controlling man, things are not going to get any better between her & I. The fact is, by the time she wises up (if that ever happens), I will not be in the same position to offer the same friendship as before. I like your analogy about being “fried” one too many times. That kind of describes the feelings I had regarding her self-centered mentality, her jealousy, and her casual disregard for me when I was the most loyal friend she could ask for. Even when her family (and her boyfriend) were not around for her during illnesses & surgery, I was there to lend a hand or take her somewhere. I was glad to do it because that is what good friends do. Now, it’s like she’s forgotten all of that. I no longer trust or respect her. When those 2 elements are gone, the relationship is usually beyond reviving later. It’s still very hard because I have to work with this person once or twice a week. I am always relieved for the nights I do not have to see or deal with her.